seguchi
by Trevtrev
Summary: Tohma and his past. first person. kinda sucks. my first fic. what more do you want to know? it is, in my opinion, getting worse.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own not the magnificent, wondrous creation that is gravitation. Nor do I own the characters associated with gravi, including the sweet-sweet Seguchi-san.. mmmm.  
  
Cast: Tohma, Sakuma-san, Noriko, Mika, Eiri and Tohma's family.  
  
A word to the readers: This fic is basically an outlet for my own unhealthy obsession with Seguchi Tohma and his mysterious past, which is not at all mentioned nor hinted in the anime. You must forgive me if any of the characters are out of character since I haven't really seen the series; I've just read a few transcripts.  
  
Summary: Now to the story: Basically Tohma angst about his past present and the future that awaits him. If you do not like to idea of multiple male pairings and possible citrus (but no perverted lemons), then this is not for you and I strictly recommend that you read a fic with a lower rating. Likewise, if you are afraid of and/or detest angst (there is very little) I recommend you read some light-hearted humour.  
  
Before you begin to read the piece, which I have poured my loving work into, I must make you promise me something. If you are going to review this (an I hope you do), you must not flame. I would also prefer well-sugared compliments rather than the harsh truth about my work. Constructed criticism is O.K. Thank you!  
  
Prologue  
  
I will always be remembered as the rich, successful, president and founder of NG studios. The sweet, smiling and talented man with as many faces as fish in the sea.  
  
Nobody knows me, not the real me, anyhow. Some think they do-like the millions of fans, like Sakano, like K, like Shindou, Nakano and Fuji. Others come close. Close, but not close enough for they can only scratch the surface. Mika is one of those people, the one's that claim to love me. But they can't possibly love me-how can you love someone you don't know? These people I am surrounded by; my friends, my colleagues, my wife-they know nothing about me. The don't even know where I came from or the path I took to come to their side. I won't let them know.  
  
I know what I am writing; this is an autobiography, an account of all the events that have occurred. I know why I am writing; I am writing to remember, to remind myself of my past for even I have lost the true me. 


	2. Childhood

Childhood  
  
Lets start in the beginning- my childhood, and my birth.  
  
I can no longer remember the exact date I was born, but some 30 years ago a young, unmarried girl gave birth to me. I had no father and was, in every way, an illegitimate child. I was small, effeminate and blond-unacceptable in my culture, but even more so because I was illegitimate.  
  
My mother's family was never really my family; I found no love or acceptance there, instead I was shunned and unanimously considered a sin- the downfall of my mother's virtuous reputation. My mother tried to shield me from them the best that she could, but, needless to say, they found a way past her and into my life.  
  
My mother was a very talented and beautiful woman. She was intelligent, could play the piano, flute and violin. She had also the benefit of being born into a wealthy, influential family but since her pregnancy they had all but disowned her. She gave me the best education that she could on her small income. I went to an excellent private school and in the evenings she would teach me music. It soon became evident that I had inherited my mother's talent and love of music as well as her intelligence.  
  
In primary school I was teased for my illegitimacy and nothing changed as I entered high school, except now I was bullied for my un-Japanese looks and delicateness. It was intolerable but it wasn't the greatest evil. High school also meant higher tuition fees, extracurricular activities and more expensive book lists. Mother took another job to pay for everything-a night shift-and I barely saw her.  
  
I suppose it was coming and I expected it, but mother's death was a shock from which I never fully recovered. About six months of the two-job situation and the already delicate woman began to sicken. At first she tried to hide it from me, but I soon became aware of the blood that she constantly coughed up. I was worried and told her to go to the doctor, she never did.  
  
About a year later, she died. Just like that- one moment she was well, the next she had collapsed on the floor and that was it.  
  
The funeral. It's funny how you remember most vividly the events you'd rather forget. Her whole family had gathered there, each person looking sadder than the last and her parents unable to meet my eye. They were guilty and they should have been for they had caused my mother's death and the loss of my only family. I was chiefly ignored that day; my opinion was not consulted over the flowers or casket. Nor was I allowed to offer a eulogy to my wonderful mother.  
  
I remember breaking down at one stage in the proceedings. I lay on the floor, hot tears coursing down my cheeks, wanting only a soft touch and a kind word of solace. Much to my surprise, I got just that in the form of my aunt Suguru-mother's older sister. She picked me up of the floor and hugged me close, stroking my hair. "Shhhh.it's alright, Tohma." I remember how touched I was at her tenderness; she was the first person other than my mother who had called me by my name and not 'brat', 'bastard' or something worse. I pulled away from her embrace and wiped away my tears. "A- arigatou." I stammered. She smiled, warming me and giving me strength. "It's quite alright." Then her smile turned wistful and tears came to her eyes. "You look just like my sister," she said, her eyes looking over me. " except the hair of course." She sighed. " It really was a shame." It was then that, for the first time, I saw I was no the only one who loved my mother; her family had loved her too and no matter what had happened between them, blood would always be thicker than water.  
  
Many of my more distant relatives, influenced by my aunt's example, tried to befriend me. But none of them truly meant their sickly-sweet words and I remained as cold as stone, no doubt they all thought I was rude as well as shameful.  
  
I did gain something out of that traumatic experience. At the end of the day when all the relatives and friends left, I stood, confused as to my fate for I no longer had a home. My aunt Suguru and her husband had gotten in their car when they saw me. They exchanged a sad look, and then began to talk. I couldn't hear them but I could tell they were talking about me. A few minutes later my aunt came got out of the car with a genuine smile on her face. I smiled back at her. "Tohma!" she called. "Hai!" "Come here, please." I ran as fast as I could. "Tohma, I want you to consider very carefully what I have to say to you." She was suddenly very solemn. "You cannot live alone and if I knew my sister she would hate for you to live in a boarding house." I was puzzled, what was that to do with anything? "Your uncle and I have just discussed it, Tohma, we would love for you to live with us if you won't mind." Her eyes were earnest and pleading and without even thinking I agreed.  
  
Moving to the Suguru household was a big step for me. They lived close by so I continued at my school. I had a longer walk everyday but, for the first time in my life, school was enjoyable. The taunting stopped and students were especially kind to me out of pity and perhaps remorse for what they did. In my grief I was turning out better music and writing, it was heaven for me. 


	3. Tokyo and a New Life

Tokyo and a New Life  
  
If I had though heaven would last forever, I was hopelessly and painfully wrong. About a year after mother's untimely death, aunt Suguru became pregnant. Suddenly, I became nothing once again. All that was talked about was the baby, though that I would have endured had the congratulatory relatives not come everyday. There had been no way to avoid them for they always seemed to be there, ready to criticize me and appraise the unborn foetus. I began to dislike my future cousin-in fact I began to detest it. My aunt whom I had always thought a kind and just woman did not help the situation. She constantly showed off her swollen uterus to visitors, often forgetting all about me. I couldn't bear it; I felt I was going to explode with grief and jealousy.  
  
About a month before my cousin was born, I took action. I didn't have much money-just enough to get me to Tokyo, but I did have the deeds to my mother's house as well as talent and aptitude for work, there would be a future for me there. The plan was simply to leave in the middle of the night, walk to distance to the station and take the next available train to Tokyo. What next I didn't know. I suppose I would find a part time job, sell my mother's house to pay for a solid education and start a new life. And what a life it was.  
  
I discovered a whole new world there; a world that would shape my future. It was a definite improvement from the secluded and traditional life I had led previously, the city's beat and rhythm filled and inspired me. For me, it was the answer.  
  
My new school was different. It was a respectful public school (I didn't have to money to pay for a private education) with a good reputation. In a way, this school with its lax rules, undefined boundaries and unpredictable nature helped me much more than the strict, confining, almost suffocating private school ever could. By this time I was ready for senior high and enrolled myself in year 11. I was ready for everything life had to offer.  
  
The first day no longer stands clear in my memories but I imagine it was like any other. However, my first week was very memorable. Everywhere I went curious stares would follow, sometimes murmurs as well. But I was used to this, and it did not bother me. For the first few weeks I didn't make any friends, and neither did I wish to. But in the 4th week, something strange and unknown to me happened.  
  
It was lunchtime and I sat myself at the table in the secluded corner where no one went. I began to eat my packed lunch. I was thinking hard and didn't notice the people approaching me. "E-excuse me?" said a young female voice quite close to my ear. I almost jumped in surprise. I looked up. There were 2 of them, a purple-haired girl who looked no more than 13 and a boy about my age. "Excuse me, but can my friend and I sit with you?" I didn't really know what to say, I was not used to people talking to me. My silence was taken as approval and the 2 sat opposite. I went back to thinking and eating my lunch.  
  
To my annoyance I was disrupted again, this time but the boy. "What's your name?" I looked up again; this was getting too strange. But they were waiting so I answered. "Seguchi Tohma." "I'm Sakuma Ryuichi, and this is Noriko. So, are you new?" "Yes" " You speak Japanese well, you don't have an accent at all." "Accent?" I stared at Sakuma-san with what must have been a quizzical, clueless expression. "Your accent, its perfectly Japanese." He offered as an explanation, in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. It didn't really explain anything about this strange conversation we were having; one that was causing me great discomfort. "Should it be anything else?" " I was expecting you to have a thick English accent or something." " But.I'm Japanese." " But your hair." I understood now. The hair. The blond hair, it was always the hair. "It's blond, so what." I shrugged him off, almost in the way of a challenge. "See, Ryu-chan. I told you he was Japanese." "Oh, but I thought he was an international student, that would have been exciting. Oh, well." Now very uncomfortable and slightly offended, I excused myself politely and walked briskly to my locker, wishing never to see them again.  
  
At about the same time, the school was holding auditions both instrumental and vocal for the annual musical production. I decided to try for the piano, mainly for the practise, as I no longer had an instrument myself. I arrived a few minutes early and seeing as the place was deserted, sat myself down on the piano stool and started to warm up with a few easy pieces.  
  
When I had finished the first song, the sound of light applause rang through the large room. I jumped out of my seat and whirled around to find Noriko and Sakuma-san clapping enthusiastically from the stage. My face was burning; I had never played in front of anyone besides my mother. They jumped off the stage and skipped over to where I stood frozen. "Hello Seguchi-san!" said Noriko cheerfully. I forced a smile before greeting both. " Hello Sakuma-san, Noriko." "Hi Tohma-kun! You ran away from us last time." I felt my face go red again, this time out of discomfiture. "Oh, I had to see somebody." I lied quickly; I didn't need any more enemies. "What are you hear for? Ryu-chan's trying out for one of the main parts, and I want to play piano, though I'll play one of the minor roles if I don't get the piano." "I'm also auditioning for piano." "Of course! You were really good, even better than me and I thought I was advanced. Well, looks like I'll have to settle for vocals." Again, I did no know what to say, so I simply said nothing. An uncomfortable silence followed, broken by Noriko. " Hey, look Ryu-chan! Its Mariko, lets go talk to her." So they went and I was left in peace.  
  
We had been waiting for a while, almost 10 minutes, when the music teacher who was going to be conducting the auditions entered. He announced that he would be listening to the singers first and they should enter the little room one by one. Sakuma-san volunteered to be first and after a few minutes he came out looking strangely energized and serious.  
  
It took about half an hour to get through all the singers; most of them had left as soon as they had been. The teacher came out and asked all those who had brought their own instruments to do the same as the singers had done. Most of the remaining students crowded around the room for their turn, but about 5 of us loitered around the grand piano. No one was playing it and I desperately wanted to touch the fine black and white keys again, having not been on such a fine instrument for a long time, but being reserved by nature and reluctant in front of such an audience. I controlled the urge that could only lead to embarrassment on taunts.  
  
Soon it was our turn. The teacher seated himself near the piano and waited the first person. I hung at the back of the group, intending to go last and watched as a boy was ushered forward by his friend. He seemed nervous and started out shakily with more than a few mistakes. The next person was a girl who was even worse than the boy, if that were possible. Noriko went next. She was welcomed by many words of encouragement and I cold feel a little spark of jealousy flicker within me. It would be a lie to say that Noriko didn't have talent, because it was obvious that she did, but she lacked one vital thing-soul. Her music was theoretically wonderful and correct, but the piece she played had no feeling in it and sounded very ordinary. Later, I learnt that it was not that she did not enjoy music, but rather that the classical piece she chose did not match her style at all.  
  
When she had finished and the applause had died down, it was my turn. Shakily I sat down, concentrating on a song, which I had composed myself. I flexed my fingers and placed them on the smooth keys, but did not start. My throat was suddenly very dry and I found that I could not bring myself to start playing. I tried again, but my fingers would not move. "Come on, Tohma! You can do it." I looked up at Noriko. I hardly knew her, but I felt like I couldn't let her down. "You can do it Tohma." I took a deep breath and, with determination, closed my eyes to picture the music. With my eyes still closed, I began. I could feel my fingers dancing across the keys lightly and rapidly in a sequence I knew well. I felt glorified, surrounded by the energy of music-joyous, vigorous and powerful; I was surrounded by my very soul. All too soon it ended and as the last note faded out I opened my eyes as if emerging from a trance. I stood up and, to my great amazement; I was greeted with cheering and applause.  
  
From that day on I ceased to be the 'weird blond', but became more widely known as the 'amazing blond pianist'. No longer was I ridiculed for my small size and blond hair, but my light tresses were an object of envy and my delicate features earned my more than a fair share of admirers. It was a wonderful time for me- acceptance, the one thing that I have always craved and had always been denied me, was mine at last. 


	4. Dilemma

Dilemma  
  
Two years had passed and many changes had taken place. I had become best friends with Sakuma-san and Noriko, even going as far as moving into Sakuma- san's apartment. The three of us also formed a band upon finding that we had a similar taste and talent in music. This band was the lead up to Nittle Grasper, which would not be born until many years later. When we started the band, it served only as a hobby, something to occupy us. But as the year went by, it became more and more obvious that we had talent and between us produced fabulous, unique music. It was also obvious that the others desired for the band to go further, possibly make a profession of it.  
  
The final exams reared its ugly head and I faced an impossible dilemma. I was a top student and I had a keen interest in business. The ideal for me would be a degree in finances, followed by a stable career. However, that would mean that I would have to forfeit the band and possibly lose the close friendships I had with my only friends. It was impossible to choose between the two, and as graduation approached, I began to seclude myself from everything.  
  
My results were high, as I expected. It would be no difficulty to find a university that would accept me, but my heart still told me that my band was the opportunity of a lifetime. It was while my heart and my head were at war that an extraordinary thing happened to me.  
  
I received a phone call from the head of a large company, a man who I cannot name as I swore to secrecy. He claimed to be my father. When I look back at that time, the facts, the feelings, my decisions are all unclear but I do remember a few vital things. I remember that he offered to send me to university and the position of financial manager for his company, but I was never to name him as my father, nor expect anything else from him during my life. I didn't know whether I truly believed him or simply considered him as an opportunity, and I still don't know now, but the chance was too good to pass up.  
  
I told my friends during what would be my last band meeting. It was Sakuma- san who took it the hardest. Noriko stormed out of the apartment shouting at me, but Sakuma simply stared at me as if I had hurt him terribly. His wet blue eyes locked into my emotionless green ones as he spoke the single syllable that caused my heart to break. "Why?" I couldn't answer that, because I didn't quite know myself. "I.I'm sorry." That wasn't good enough and I knew it. He stood up and turned away from me. "Tohma, stay." "I. I can't." "Will you stay for me?" I didn't quite understand then. To me, Sakuma was asking the impossible-he was asking me to give up a good opportunity. I didn't understand what he really meant. "You don't understand, this the opportunity of a lifetime." I put a hand on his shoulder; he was trembling. Then he stopped and threw my hand off violently and with a tear-streaked face, pushed me with as much force as he could muster. I fell hard on the floor. "No, Tohma. It's you who doesn't understand." Then, before I could get up, he was gone too. I sat there for a long time, feeling miserable and misunderstood.  
  
That night I couldn't sleep. 


	5. opportunity

Author's notes: I would like to thank Five Little Freaks, Truth: there is no spoon, Lovely-Ryuichi and especially Blinkie who hauled me out of my trough of self pity and despair with her words of encouragement. Thank you, I owe you big.  
  
I would also like to inform (for those who actually read this and find that they care) that this fan fiction will be continued and finished within another five or so chapters.  
  
Opportunity  
  
Later that week I moved out of Ryuichi's apartment. He never kicked me out, just like he never officially declared our friendship to be over, but it was clear that he no longer wanted me there. Every moment I spent with what used to be my greatest friend was awkward and painful. I moved into a small apartment downtown. It wasn't what I had wanted but it would do for the holidays, before I left for university.  
  
I cannot tell my life story without the inclusion of Mika whom I met during my university days, and later, through a series of confusing events, married.  
  
I met her during orientation day. She struck me as a beautiful, strong willed, capable, in-control woman. She embodied all the qualities I admired and respected and we became friends easily.  
  
Usuegi Mika was a very interesting person. She had come all the way from Kyoto to study business, leaving behind her 2 younger brothers and elderly father. Her mother died a few years ago and she acted as a mother figure for her brothers Eiri, aged 9 and Tatsuha, 3. I admired her even more for her strength; she lived through the grief of losing her mother and she had managed to bring up her brothers. She was an extraordinary person and I held her in the highest esteem.  
  
I was never physically attracted to her and had thought of her as nothing more than a platonic friend. Perhaps she had liked me in a more than platonic way, and perhaps, subconsciously, I knew how she felt about me but, during our 3 years of schooling together, I had never considered us.  
  
The 3 years passed fairly smoothly with nothing of importance having happened, and Mika and I graduated with a degree in business. To celebrate, Mika invited me to the Usuegi ancestral home to meet the family I had heard so many stories about.  
  
It had been the first time I left Tokyo since I arrived some several years earlier and I was reminded strangely of my- that is to say- my mother's family. I had not really though about them since I left and I wondered about how they were. I wondered about my cousin who would be about 5 years old. I wondered if they had any more children. I wondered if they had been looking for me all this time, at that thought I felt intensely guilty. Aunt Suguru would have been upset, to say the least, and I resolved to visit them one day.  
  
The usuegis gave me a warm welcome- a familial welcome; a welcome I hadn't received for a few years. I found myself instant friendships in Mika's father, Tatsuha and shy Eiri, but the person who I liked most was Eiri. Small, blond and outcast, I saw more than a little of myself in the 13 year old boy. Mika had told me about Eiri. He had been a bright and happy child, but had changed into a quiet, depressed introvert during his primary school years. He was misfit in the family and fought constantly with his father who wanted him to follow in his footsteps and become a monk, but of course Eiri refused, hence causing a bitter family feud. I was sympathetic for him, as it seemed that he was worse off than even myself at his age.  
  
A few weeks into my stay, Eiri came home injured. We all questioned him, and tried to drag out an explanation but he would only shake his head blink back the tears that never left his eyes. I had an idea of what had happened, having had it happen to me countless time, but it was useless to pursue it, so we waited for Mika's father to come home.  
  
Usuegi -san was not a man to be messed with, and as Mika broke the news to him, I saw his expression turn deadly and cold. He left us, without a word, and went straight to the living room where Eiri was watching Television. I started to follow him, but Mika stopped me, shaking her head. "Its best to leave them alone." "Will they be alright?" "Yes, father's the only one who Eiri's afraid of, and if anyone can drag the truth out of him, its father." I nodded, but was nowhere near convinced. It seemed that Usegi-san was a very violent man, and I worried for Eiri, after all, it was not his fault.  
  
Voices rose and fell in the living room for half and hour before it came to an abrupt stop with the slamming and locking of Eiri's door. We emerged from Mika's room and met Usuegi-san in the corridor. He was livid and after a few minutes of silence, Mika dared to ask: "father, did you find out?" "No! He refused to tell me and when I threatened to make him, he ran off to his room!" "He didn't tell you anything at all?" "No! That boy is getting out of hand. First he refuses to be monk, though it is the family tradition, and now he is hiding things-no doubt shameful things-from his own father! One day-" "Father, you're too hard on him." " I am no too hard on him. He needs to learn-" "But he's only 13!" Tatsuha began to cry, adding to the confusion and noise. I sensed that it was time for me to leave, so I crept away to my room.  
  
My room was at the end of the corridor and as I passed Eiri's room, I heard muffled, heart wrenching sobs. I hesitated-this was, after all, none of my business-before taking a deep breath and knocking gently on the door. The sobs stopped for a moment. "G-go away!" a squeaky, adolescent voice shouted. I knocked again. "I said Go away!" "Eiri let me in." "S-Seguchi-san?" I heard the door being unlocked and a second later I was being admitted into his room. I hadn't expected him to actually let me in, I did what I did merely out of compassion and sympathy, but I was glad that he had. " Eiri, would you like to talk?" "No, you wouldn't understand." I smiled and stroked his beautiful golden hair away from his equally beautiful face. "You'll be surprised." "Nobody understands!" My smile disappeared and I felt my own eyes prickling with tears and turned away from him. I knew the feeling only too well. "Yes, they don't know what its like to be outcast but I do, Eiri. It feels like you're alone, and no one, not even your own mother, can help you." I faced him again, tears banished, and found that he was no longer crying, but smiling, eyes wide with awe. "You understand."  
  
An hour or so later, I emerged with a smiling Eiri, much to the Usuegis' disbelief. 


End file.
